How you treat animals matters

People may not agree on Mitt Romney as a politician. 

Some of us think he is a half-wit, flip-flopping, soulless automaton who will do irreparable damage to the country if elected.

Others think he is a half-wit, flip-flopping, soulless automaton who will do slightly less damage than the current president if elected. 

Okay, we can all agree to disagree on that point. 

But I think we can all agree that the man is a big fat dick, right?

How else do you explain his treatment of the family dog, Seamus, back in 1983?

What kind of person straps their ‘beloved’ pet to the roof of their car for a 12 hour drive? Such cruel, callous behavior should immediately disqualify Romney from any elected office, let alone President of the United States. 

To top if off, he and his wife still seem oblivious to why every normal human finds their actions abominable. Ann Romney claims that Seamus “loved” his half-day, diarrhea-riddled adventure trapped in a cage on top of the family truckster. And Mitt can only find room in his blackened, mechanical heart to regret the political fallout.

Well, fuck the both of you. 

If we can’t trust you to make a simple, humane decision like this, why in the world would we put you anywhere near the Situation Room?

"Hey Ann, should I send the boys into Iran for a good old fashioned bloodbath?"

"Absolutely, Mitty! The soldiers will love it!"

Seriously. Fuck the both of you.


Assured of nomination, Romney admits to being a Satanic serial killer

"Thank God that shit is over."

We caught up with Mitt a few days ago at a basement level strip club a few miles outside of Philadelphia. A jubilant Romney was sweating a bit as drained the final drops from a bottle of Jack.

"What a fucking joke, right? How many times can a guy pretend to be something before he goes completely batshit crazy? Am I right? Right?"

He flagged down a scantily clad waitress, summoning her to fetch another bottle.

"Man, I fucking love this place. The girls are hideous, but they get me, you know what I mean? They know me. I come here and it’s like I’m back to being plain old Willard. What the fuck kind of name is Mitt anway? I started that shit as a joke and now I’m a few hanging chads away from being leader of the free world. Ha! I love this goddamned country."

A dancer came by to offer up a lap dance, but Romney shooed her away dismissively.

"Listen, here’s the deal. The GOP wanted a good looking, seemingly intelligent guy to head the ticket this year. I tell ‘em, fuck it, I’ll do it! I’m a handsome motherfucker. I know some shit. Game on, right? So what if I like to kill people once in a while? Who cares if I worship the Lord of the Underworld? Semantics. I’ve got no conscience. I’ll say whatever the fuck you need me to say. What choice do you have? Gingrich? Paul? You really think someone’s gonna pull the lever for one of those haggard looking numbnuts? Not when they’re up against a guy like Barry O. Have you seen that dude shirtless? He must be P90X-ing his ass off."

Well into his second bottle, Romney leaned back in his chair and sighed.

"I guess I’m gonna miss it all, a little bit, you know? Must be how the great actors feel when they’re done with a big role. I’ve pretended to be a job-creator, a universal health-care hater, a ‘values guy’, you name it. Shit, I even pretended to be a Mormon, just to fuck with people a bit. Being a regular old Evangelical guy would’ve been too easy! Had to give people something to make them wonder about me. I had no idea how much those fuckers in South Carolina hated Mormons, though. You should’ve heard some of the names they called me. I may be on Beelzebub’s team, but even I know that wasn’t very Christian of them."

Romney excused himself to the restroom for a few minutes. When he came back, he was sniffing furiously. 

"Where the fuck was I? Oh yeah. I’m running for President. Ha! I still can’t believe that shit. Fucking nuts! Some of my advisers thought I should hold off on revealing all of this Satan worshipping, serial killing crap until the general election is over. Fuck that! Most people don’t give a damn what I do with my free time. Just those nosey, holier than thou GOP primary voters. What a prickly bunch of losers, really. Boring as shit too.  I am so fucking glad I don’t have to hang with that lame ass crowd any more."

He reached into his pocket, pulled out a pack of Marlboro reds, and lit up.

"Can you believe they don’t let you smoke in strip clubs any more? Fuck that shit. I dare someone to come over here and stop me."

No one ever came over. 


Studies show douchey mustache responsible for more crimes than hoodie

In a new study that’s sure to mystify FOX reporter Geraldo Rivera, researchers have learned that while the presence of a hoodie has not been shown to increase the likelihood of a criminal attack, a ridiculously  douchey mustache has been the cause of more than 10,000 assaults over the past 5 years. 

Researcher, Tyler Watkins, from Columbia University, explains: “It makes sense, really. You see, a hoodie is an ordinary children’s garment that has been worn for decades without incident. But, a thick, douchey mustache can make you angry at even a casual glance.”

It’s a wonder Rivera is still standing, really.

"Given the extreme douchiness of his mustache, combined with his borderline intelligence and propensity for blurting out insane commentary, yes, I would agree that he has defied the odds by living this long.", Watkins confirmed.

So what explains his good fortune?

"Turns out, Mr. Rivera likes to wear a hoodie from time to time. I think it softens him just enough to keep people from repeatedly kicking his ass."


Psychologists redefine the word “crazy” to mean “normal”

They had no choice really. 

For months, mental health professionals clung to the fading hope that somehow people would stop acting like incompetent morons.

But alas, it wasn’t meant to be. 

It all began back when The Tea Party started claiming Obama was a socialist, despite all evidence to the contrary. And people believed them. 

By itself, that’s not much. But then the presidential race started. And the shit got weird. 

The favorite out of the gate was Michele Bachmann. A woman who managed to earn high praise despite her batshit policy positions and a complete disregard for facts or reason.

Then, Donald Trump, the man who has made a bulk of his fortune by acting like a clown on tv, entered the fray. Then he decided to make the absurd “birther” nonsense the centerpiece of his campaign. And somehow, he shot to the top of the polls. 

That should have been enough to convince everyone that we were off the rails. But many still remained hopeful that sanity would rear her pretty head once again.

It wasn’t meant to be.

As Trump faded into the background, an even crazier businessman, Herman Cain, threw his ridiculous hat into the ring. And it was filled to the brim with complete bullshit and bigotry.

But the people ate it up, more than they ever ate his mediocre (I’m being kind) pizza.

As time went by, the absurdity train kept rolling along, with nary a glance at the most sensible man in the field, Jon Huntsman. Nope, instead, we took long hard looks at bottom-feeders like Perry, Gingrich and Paul. 

Fortunately, all seemed to settle down for a brief moment. Uber-bore Mitt Romney appeared to take the reins and yank people back a little closer to the land of the lucid. Is he smart? Not really. On point? Rarely. But crazy? Nah. Willard is one of the most normal people you’ll ever see in politics. 

And perhaps that’s why he lost his seemingly iron-clad grip on the race and the country once again lost it’s hold on reality.

Enter Santorum. (There’s a joke here, but I’ll refrain)

This mouse of a man somehow managed to encapsulate the worst pieces of all the failed candidates before him. The religious zealotry of Bachmann. The unchecked ego of Trump. The misogyny of Gingrich. Oh Ricky, you’re so fine.

And, despite his loss in Illinois last night, he’s still standing—doing his best to turn back the clock to a time when women were property, the bible was law and men were free to keep their homoerotic fantasies in the closet, right where God intended.

And so, we are left with no choice. It is clear that today, crazy is not just acceptable, it’s actively encouraged. And applauded.

Look no further than the obscenely racist “re-nig” bumper stickers created by some nutjob (sorry, normal person) down in Georgia. They were one of her best-selling items. And to top it off, she doesn’t even think there’s anything offensive about it.

It’s time to face reality (formerly known as delusion) and align our labels with the facts (now known as theories) on the ground. Crazy is the new normal.

Deal with, you freakin’ kook.

75 Notes


-Yoni Brenner


-Yoni Brenner


Santorum proposes allowing fetuses to carry concealed weapons

"The right to bear arms begins at conception."

Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum stared wistfully out the window as he spoke passionately about the plight of the unborn.

"These tiny humans are up against the fight of their lives. Socialist baby-kilers like Mr. Obama are out of control, pushing their pro-abortion values upon the American people and leaving millions of itsy-bitsy babies to battle for their very existence."

He thumbed a loose thread on his sweater vest and continued. 

"I won’t allow it. And that’s why, if I’m elected president, I will propose an amendment to the constitution that ensures all fetal humans are guaranteed the right to own a firearm. You and I have this right. How can we deny our most minuscule citizens the same level of protection?"

After wiping a tear from the corner of his eye, Santorum wrapped up his empassioned plea. 

"This is going to be a win for all of our God-fearing, capitalism-loving countrymen. Not only will we be empowering the least powerful with the ability to fire back against over-zealous abortionists, we will be creating jobs as well. Imagine the influx of workers at gun factories all across the land, as the demand for infinitesimal, in utero weaponry skyrockets. This is exactly the kind of scenario God envisioned when he created America."


I envy the black and white people

Life must be so easy for you.

To see the poor person and immediately know she is lazy.

To see the sick person and be convinced that his malady is self-inflicted.

To see the unemployed person and know in your heart she must not want a job.

To see the homeless person and understand that he is a bum.

To see the gay person and automatically know she is a sinner.

To see the immigrant and be positive he should go back home.

To see the rich person and be sure that his wealth was created by him alone.

It must make life so simple.

Never having to actually use your brain.

29 Notes

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Santorum to rape victims: turn that frown upside down.

Republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum is a glass-half-full kind of guy. While you might see pregnancy as a tragic consequence of the most horrific experience of your life, he sees it as an opportunity to “make the best out of a bad situation.”

So stop your whining already. Yeah, some strange man violently attacked you and stole a piece of your soul. But look at the bright side, he gave you a gift. The gift of a new life.

God works in mysterious ways, according to Rick. He may have been conspicuously absent on the night you were assaulted, but now He’s back and He wants you to embrace that little bundle of cells forming in your abdomen.

C’mon, stop pouting and get with the program already. Think of how much fun it will be to pick out paint colors for the child who shares DNA with a rapist. Imagine how delightful it will be to stare into those darling little eyes and be reminded of the man responsible for the most terrifying experience of your life.

You have been given this amazing blessing. How dare you even think of taking control of your own body and making your own decision about what’s best for you? 

You ungrateful bitch.


The marriage business is none of the government’s business

It’s time to stop pushing the federal government to recognize gay marriage.

Instead, we should be pushing them to get out of the marriage-recognizing game altogether.

It’s a simple idea, really. The most common argument against gay marriage is a religious one. And last I checked (despite the protestations of those on the right) church and state are supposed to be kept separate in this great nation. So get the fuck out of the way and let the people do what they want. 

Stop endorsing marriage in any form. Just hand out civil-union certificates to any consenting adults (gay or straight) who seek them and leave the marriage defining to those involved. If a bunch of so-called Christians want to keep marriage ‘sacred’ by discriminating against homosexuals, that’s their prerogative. There are plenty of churches and organizations that would be happy to marry Adam and Steve.

But if your church chooses to discriminate against anyone, including gay people, then say goodbye to the federal tax exemption gravy train. Sorry, haters, but the U.S. Government should not be in the business of rewarding bigots.